elton john and other thoughts

today was my first day of back to school. two classes today, they went really well. i need to be focused on school and getting all my tasks accomplished earlier than later. got a good partner that will probably help me to push through, i hope. anyway, elton john was the shit!!! my friend actually went along with us, which was a complete surprise to me. kaleb was cool with it, as he was on his own little trip and got to run around the concert by himself for a bit. it was a good night all in all. still not going anywhere with this friend of mine. just hanging with him and i hope not getting juiced to bad. gotta step back from this shit again cause i feel this happening. ahhhh, whatever that means. no drama is his battle cry. so mine is left alone on the edge of the bed. whatever again. at least he is not trying to constantly jump my bones and then i end up feeling totally used, but is that happening in another manner??? i give so freely cause it feels good, but will i have resentment later. fuck i don't know. i am going to stay home tonight, only cause i didn't get a call, let me not fool myself into thinking it was my decision. so much bullshit all the time. i bought some meal packets and went for a run tonight. gonna try to get serious about working out again. gonnna leave my phone alone cause it only makes me feel bad. like it is the phones fault. effin drama, again. how do do this. how about just being patient and content with what i have. what a concept. i will be patient and content and happy that i am not what, what am i not. cause i fucking am. shit.

2010 is here. 2009 is gone!!!!!!!!

What a long strange trip 2009 was. much of it was spent in an emotional rollercoaster ride of a relationship that went nowhere quickly. i have accomplished so much in the last five years, including kicking a meth habit, graduating from college with a bachelors degree and becoming a grandma. yet when i reflect on 2009 somehow i have a focus of relational failings as my central theme. it was such a minimal part of my life yet i tend to focus on it and give it so much credibility when it is really much less important than i make it. is it only because i have a new friend that i can say this? have i become fixated on something new? can i just maintain a friendship with this person with not becoming attached. when i find myself getting to that place i have been trying to remind myself i can think something else and tell myself something different at the time. redirection, i will only feel what i tell myself to feel. so, it has been a good year and now i am on to an even better year. i am excited to see what the year has ahead of me. i have a trip planned to yosemite this summer, and i have even talked about a road trip with mikey for part of the summer. that would be fricken awesome. but i need to stay focused on my trip with kaleb. i have an elton john concert this wednesday night with kaleb and i will be sure to blog about that. i am super excited to get to do that with him. i think i will carry my backpack and bring my camera with me. i will be a year closer to graduating with a masters degree at the end of this semester. i have a great job in the mental health field that pays well for my experience level and is helping to develop my experience even more daily. really, life is good and i am moving forward appropriately. i have just bought some new carpeting for my tv room, although everyone that has allergy attacks is still having them. that sucks!! i will see what happens with my friend when he goes home tomorrow. when he is no longer in kailua he may not want to cruise with me cause he already has an established life at his house. either way, i will be okay. good thing i have not stepped over the line with him, mostly because he has not allowed it, which i am actually very thankful for. anyway, gotta get off of here and get back to work. it is going to be a great year!!!!!!

some days as i move through

it sucks to have to remove all emails and pictures and the animate shit that i collected on my way through the relationship. i didn't ever think it would end so abruptly and i would have to go through this process. i feel so naive that i jumped into this and am so mad at myself that something may have been wrong with me that i was not good enough for that fucking dude to want to be with me. what the fuck was wrong with me. why wouldn't he like me. i know i think it may be better this way in the long run but some days it just sucks ass and i am having to reflect on myself that it was me. he was a scrub anyway and now i, in my naivete and genuiness of the strength of the relationship have to go through and get rid of everything. i wish i had done it already, but once i do it it will be over. still, sucks some serious ass. being single is sure good for getting things accomplished, good for sleeping by myself, watching whatever i want on tv and not having to share my life with anyone. ladda fricken da. really sitting hard on the pity pot right now. gotta go get some coffee and food so i can get off of this pot. just feel down today, i can get through it and another day will pass. my days do not need to be measured by how far away i am from this. i went through this process in my breakup with ian too. i do this to myself and i will get through it. hostile out.

not wanting to read down

there is such a dichotomy of pictures with my thoughts in the posts i have done in the last few months. while the pictures show awesome shots and i am doing fun things, the thoughts in the posts are a reflection of the personal pain i was going through. even some delusion or misrepresentation of what was occuring. it was weird to look at it today and i think i will step back for a while and not revisit it. although i love that i have a recording of my thoughts as they occured. it will be interesting to read through later in life. school is going so well today. tomorrow may be hard, but today is awesome. i am hungry again too. thank you lord for carrying me through to this point. my life is moving forward and i am satisfied.

Yosemite Summer

It is my goal to take my son Kaleb to Yosemite this summer and camp with him for a week. then we will try to check out LA and have some city style fun. I am going to do everything in my power to make this happen and can't believe the opportunity is here for me to do it.

article about me in AAUW annual report!!!

In that Moment I Knew…
A College Education Is Attainable

Pamela Nakanelua is what some might call a nontraditional student. She is a 42-year-old single mother
and grandmother who lives in low-income government housing. For Pamela, higher education is the
beginning of her journey to financial self-sufficiency.

Several years ago, as she prepared to begin her first semester at the University of Hawaii, Manoa,
Pamela was dealt some devastating news—her financial aid was not going to come through on time.
Fortunately for Pamela, she was able to borrow money from her mother to pay the bills and buy her
books. But she began thinking about those who weren’t as fortunate.

She wanted to be a role model and encourage other women to share her journey, but, “How could I say
to the other women in public housing, ‘You can go to college, too. It’s going to work; trust the process?’
” she asks. “They do all the work to get there, but then the money doesn’t come through. They’re stuck.
They can’t buy books, and they can’t pay tuition bills.”

Pamela is working to break through these financial barriers and increase educational opportunities for
low-income women. A three-time recipient of AAUW scholarships, she recently earned her bachelor’s
degree and is now pursuing a master’s degree in social work. She plans to work with women in
transition and help them access resources and go to college.

“If you live below the poverty line, so often you are told what you cannot do,” Pamela explains. “There is
not a lot of ‘this is what you can do.’ ”

As a result, many adult women do not understand that they can go to college. “College looks so out of
reach to them,” she says. “But it is accessible. These women can afford community college. They can
receive scholarships from organizations like AAUW. They can receive Pell grants. The information on
how to do so just isn’t being shared with everyone.”

Pamela adds, “I am going to school so I can get out of the system and show my daughter that you can do
this. Even if you don’t have a lot of money, you can still do this.”


Pull Quote:
“Applying for the AAUW Student Advisory Council was the first step in being part of something greater
than myself. I want to participate in a national program that helps to make a difference for women. I
want to support other women so they can go to school and also be a part of something greater than
themselves.” –Pamela Nakanelua

last time out

it has been a long emotional journey. i was so excited to get into a relationship, but i am glad that my instinct kept telling me it was all wrong. it was a difficult step to finally say "I don't want to talk to you anymore." but i did it. now i have no expectation of calls or feelings from that person and it is a huge relief. i feel like i have done it and it is over. now i need never revisit it. i got inspiration from a line in "the life of Pi", which incidentally I bought at the bookstore my son works at. it talked about putting closure on something. actually having a final conversation and saying thank you and goodbye and really ending it. i did that. i said thank you but this is unhealthy and goodbye. now i will not ever write about it again!!!!!!!!!!!!! God is good and my life is wonderful and moving forward in a wonderful way.

so much going on

i have so much going on, got a new job, busy with my practicum, going to do therapy with a client on friday or something close to it, resource practitioning hopefully. i think my obsession with the relationship is finally over. it is better to be done with and not talking to him anymore but i still want to and still have tried too. it has been a crushing few months getting dumped like that. i still feel very hurt, but i should not be. i am not sure if i am more hurt cause i have been rejected. of course that is it. it hurt really bad to be rejected. even when i was rejecting him i struggled. i didn't expect to be thrown that curve ball. but there it is and i am better off getting away scott free instead of being in a relationship with someone i kept having to doubt. it still just hurts. i was very comfortable with talking to him, but really want to be loved by someone. that is what hurts the most. i want someone to love me so effin bad, but no man does. and that hurts so bad. it makes me cry. i am being succesful in my educational pursuits and have some good activities planned for around the corner. kaleb and i are going to aerosmith. i am going to a wailers concert on friday. i work on saturday midnight shift. i can hear the song that i played when my dad died. it really reminds me of the things in life that really mad me sad. this breakup does not even come close to that. not even one iota near it. god is good to remind me of what really matters. i loved my dad so much. it broke my heart when he died and i just downward spiraled from there. it would be easier to go into a hospital or psyche house and just dope up on meds and never deal with this pain. but i can't anymore and i won't. i made it through a really rough spot this summer and the beginning of this semester. i know my dad would be so proud to know that i am getting a masters degree. really, he would be so happy for me, he always had the college dream for us and here i am getting an advanced degree. i know he is so proud of me. all this that i have earned, i did it. i did it and i have these degrees and this new knowledge to show for it. life is good even when it is hard, sad, rough and tough. even when i am feeling super sorry for myself cause i think i need to have a man, life is still good. i can wait for a man, eventually something really wonderful and completely fulfilling is going to come my way. in the meantime i will stay away from scrubby little misrepresenting liars or short guys in general. i will focus on gettting my schooling done without the distraction of a dude. this will be good. i really don't want to have to deal with splitting my time every which way. kayton loves me and now i won't have to leavc him this christmas or kaleb and also for the summer. i am a super solid chick and i will just keep moving forward, sometimes i will slip back, but each time the recovery is easier. i feel way better about the phone situation than i did last week and even yesterday. everyday gets better. last month i was a complete wreck, the month before that i was on lexapro and whatever i could find. today i am working as a resident crisis manager in a mental health home, learning a whole new skill set and moving my life forward in a manner i could never have imagined just a few years ago. thank you God for all you have done in my life. i love my kids and grandson and family. i have an abudance of blessings and getting over this bump in the road is part of my abundance. when i heard that woman talking about her relationship issues i could really feel her and know that it is hard. it is very hard, but it can be done and i have done it. over and over.

practicum and pride

when i didn't get the practicum i went through some personal issues and even went to thinking about other distractions with leroy and some personal shit there. i came to the conclusion that my pride had been injured and that was what set me moving in the direction of discontent in other areas. once i got to that spot of recognition i was able to move forward somewhat. i recognized the deeper issue for me and then was able to deal with it. i just didn't get that practicum and now i will try for another one. i will send them a thankyou note for the opportunity and because i want to leave a good memory in their minds about me, i figure i may get an opportunity with them in the future and i really want it. here are some more pics.

moving forward, staying in the same place

it is now september. i have gotten to a comfortable place with leroy, sort of. we are talking and in a phone relationship again. he is being non-commital. it drives me crazy. but it is okay. it means i can be non-commital too even though i chant that i love him. i know it is the idea of being in love that i love. he has been very supportive this last day when i didn't get my practicum that i was hoping for and he listened and had nice supportive things to say. it was cool. school is in full swing. i am ready to go beach but sitting here on the computer playing instead. loving my dv course. only wanna read those books for now. have some new great pics to post. i will post them here now. elena has been great lately.

getting over

now the long slow process of getting over being in love is occuring. i have gone through some madness in the last 12 hours. ripping up his facebook and myspace and reading all his shit, then finding out that the married chick is someone that had an abortion from him 31 years ago. well, they can do whatever they want now. i am out of that one, can't compete with dead baby drama. she doesn't sound so happy herself, so they can console each other. i am still bitter and threatened by someone else with him cause i still love him, although, i hope my understanding of loving is correct and that is i only love being in love. it would be fine with anyone, it does not even matter who the dude is, i just like being in love cause the emotions make me feel good. now i have to go through the process of getting out of love and it is worse than cleaning up from dope. i talked to him today after fucking up his pages all night. i sort of went off. part of my cleansing process. i hope i don't get in any trouble over the events that went on. i was just trying to get him to call me, my pride at work and to embarrass him with the other person. i am so not well in dealing with matters of the heart. now i feel exhausted and beat. i also feel satisfied cause i got to talk to him. i am afraid that talking to him will make me love him more. like if i keep staying in touch i will bring it back. i am so not well with this whole thing. i am not going to go through this madness alone and will call him whenever i am feeling down so i can get through it. now my alarm is going off. gotta go.